All I want for Christmas is my kitchen back, counter black, no more snacks, stuff unpacked, stay on track, Tot to quack and a paddywhack

So we are in a home stretch of our kitchen remodel, with the countertops going in 2 days before Christmas, and water hooked up Christmas eve, but no upper cabinets or all those finishing touches like cabinets shelves and doors, and outlets so you can actually plug in those pesky kitchen appliances.  Fortunately our Christmas company were the ultimate in easy going, and smiled through my craziness and casual dining on leftovers for our Christmas feast.   Despite our kitchen being nearly done, most of the contents were still located in the dining room or garage or somewhere yet to be determined, which made for lots of exercise, and memory workout since most things had been relocated several times.  I think I blew the fuse on my memory circuits a few times, trying to find critical items like muffin tins which might explain the subsequent omission of eggs in the recipe.  Oops.   Did I mention that Mr.Tot was not sufficiently project-ized by Monster Kitchen, so he decided to take on another mamoth project the day after Christmas:  floor remodel, which currently seems to be winning the fight, as Mr.Tot was KO’d and seems to be down for the count.  Tot and I evacuated to the southern climates to avoid the violence and bloodshed.  We will return when the dust has settled and not before…  Though I brought my 2 grocery bags full of mail and bills with me, so Tot may witness a little violence and bloodshed after all.

Meanwhile I have had a few moments to reflect on the past few months.

I can see clearly now the 8 stages of kitchen remodel hell.

1) Oooh, ahhhhh    aka “planning”

2)  Oh shite, what have we done?    aka “demolition”

3)  Wait, you mean we have no (insert here – *anything* – water, lights, oven, stove, dishwasher, clean air, clean house, lack of clutter, usable garage, money in the checking account, sanity,  etc)???!!!   This will last for the bulk of the project -approximately 99% of the schedule.  aka “working on it”

4) Resolve dissolves:  Dishes needing washing give way to disposable dishes.  You range farther and farther from your dietary norm to keep the natives at bay.  The dining out limit of once per week gives way, the dam breaks, all is lost.  Abandon ship!

5) And then in the last 10 minutes of the race, your dream kitchen magically comes together…  in your dreams.  Your real kitchen however, will be beset and besmirched and occasionally upgraded, by schmucky sub-contractors that you hired yourself, other people’s delays, wives running off with funds, and happy contractor friend wanting to sleep more than 5 hours a night.  Unbelievable!!!   The promise of kitchen keeps you drooling and hanging on every scheduled bit and piece.

6)  Finally 75% of your dream kitchen does come together and the drool starts to flow.  And the itch to move the contents back in nearly drives you crazy.  But wait…   Patience grasshopper.   Wait, and wait, and wait some more….  Find solace in making your neighbors jealous with your soapstone countertops.

7)  A watched pot never boils, so leave town.

8)  Can’t see this stage ’cause I left town….  To be continued….

Things I have learned not having a kitchen

– a vessel sink with a high pressure faucet makes an excellent shower

– forget diamonds, a dishwasher is a girl’s best friend

– it’s easier to be environmentally-friendly when you have a dishwasher

– My range is a natural predator for junkfood.  Without it, the swiss rolls, cheez-its, and cookies are multiplying — it’s electrifying!

– There’s a reason why cabinets have doors on them so the Tot-inator can’t be tempted by everything she sees

– Skip the jewelry, given me my filtered water dispenser

– In tha absence of filtered water, Seagram’s ginger ale has cast its spell over me

– There are not enough kinds of edible microwavable or toaster oven food to keep one’s stomach from churning for 3 months

– My 2 year old is becoming a dine-out diva – woe is me.

– 18″ wide aisles in a crowded dining room with a Tot hanging on my pant leg induces claustrophobia in about 3 seconds flat

Ohh Santa!!  You got a great start, but I think that bottle of Schnappes got in the way….  Could you come back and finish the job???


3 Responses to “All I want for Christmas is my kitchen back, counter black, no more snacks, stuff unpacked, stay on track, Tot to quack and a paddywhack”

  1. 1 nellie December 29, 2009 at 1:47 am

    Laura, you are the absolute best! what a great write! and so on target.
    hope your trip is going great. N

  2. 2 Sherri December 29, 2009 at 9:38 am

    Neighbors are right – that soapstone countertop is gorgeous!

    We only tested the waters of remodeling, you jumped in and flailed about.

    Thank you for saving me from ever doing THAT!!

  3. 3 David December 29, 2009 at 5:20 pm

    Ha! I will nto be felled by a mere 400 square feet of tile! Progress is being made:

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